MEN JOKES
Why Yelling At a Man Doesn't Work
What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES!
Q.why do men have one more braincell then dogs.
A.so they don't start humping your leg at parties.
Q. Why was marriage invented?
A. Because men could only suck in their gut for so long.
Submitted by Tom.
The young man replied,
'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words. The woman conisidered his proposition for a moment then from her purse slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's and. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly,
meaningfully said,............
'Clean my house.'
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can
help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our
living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone
in case they call him.
Submitted by Julie.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me
for a list of names.
Women are never wrong.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need
instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
WHY GOD CREATED EVE
10 God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote.
8. God new Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to
buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's
dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to
put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
And, finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve....
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly
from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.
You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You
will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded,
"Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15
years." And it was so.God then created the monkey, and told him,
"You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.
You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey
responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much.
Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years."And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20
years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused,
the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it
was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years
as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain & glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. Sometimes, he will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to help him think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting
room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as
he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you
will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a few minutes, someone asked, "Well, how
much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly
responded, "$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried
not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his
curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, "Why is the male brain so much more than the
female brain?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then
replied to the entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've been used."
Meet Single Girls and Guys for Dating!
A woman will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head, a beer belly sticking out and still think they're
handsome.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work
cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from
him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies or being so rude for taring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, hat you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
was.
If the Women is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Man did or said wrong.
The Women can change her mind at any given point in time.
The Man must never change his mind without express written consent from the Women.
The Women has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Man must remain calm at all times, unless the Women Wants him to be angry or upset.
The Women must under no circumstances let the Man know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Man is expected to mind read at all times.
At no time can the Man make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Women is complaining.
Paralumun New Age Village