MARRAIGE JOKES
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it's almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out....
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Judy, pack up your things! I just won the New York lottery!' Judy replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,
good food and companionship. She goes Mondays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in London and mine is in N.Y.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. She got a mudpack and looked great for a day. Then
the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me to be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine."
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is
to forget it once.
A couple drove several miles down a country road,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and
neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the
wife sarcastically>asked, "Relatives of yours?"
Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it, and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."
Marriage is like a phone call in the night,
First the ring,
And then you wake up!
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman
was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman
turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old
man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave
him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent
some time there once and went on a blind date with the
ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If
you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man
says, "If you were my wife I would drink it."
Meet Single Girls and Guys for Dating!
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
Paralumun New Age Village